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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Idol Eyes - The Judges Take Over the Universe

Huh. I seem to remember when it got down to the final three that the contestants each sang three songs. The show was larger than larger-than-life. The self-promotion was nauseating. The show would leave viewers with the general impression that the planets were going to stop dead in their revolutionary arcs to watch this episode.

This year? They went small. The production level was somewhere in between junior high musical and Waiting for Guffman. And the judges decided to act like SNL charicatures of themselves. Fortunately, the guys singing put on a pretty good show on their own (with just two performances).

Danny Gokey
Danny started with Paula's choice, Terrence Trent D'arby's "Dance, Little Sister," which amounted to little more than a high-energy waste of time. Contrary to Simon, I did like his little "Danny duels the saxophone" shtick in the middle, because it showed off . . . I don't know, Danny's pitch-perfect reedy resemblance to a saxophone? His second song, "You Are So Beautiful," was more of a showcase for Danny's non-woodwind-related talents. Will it be enough? I don't know. Something tells me he'll be in the bottom three.

Kris Allen
Let me take one moment to point out that Kara is officially a total waste of space. It may have taken her all season to come out of her shell, and now I'd be willing to pull my eyelashes out if it would cram her back in it. Back to Kris. He inherited a song that sounded exactly like the type of song he would sing, and the very judges who thought One Republic's "Apologize" sounded like him lambasted him for not singing it differently enough.  My opinion? He did a good job. His second song, Kanye's "Heartless," was (and I hate to admit it) frickin' awesome. And here's my theory: will anyone vote for Adam and Danny? I don't see that happening much. I can see people liking Kris and Adam or Kris and Danny . . . but I have a hard time imagining much overlap between the Church of Danny and the Adam Bar.

Adam Lambert
Simon chooses good songs, which is why he can get away with wearing Hanes on national television. Adam was pretty phenomenal vocally on Mary J. Blige and U2's "One." Yeah, you heard me, he stone-cold ripped off Mary J.'s version. Don't get me wrong, he did a great job of ripping off Ms. Blige and Sir Bono (I mean, come on, is it even possible to go further over the top than Bono?), but the judges' ridiculous raves about how he "made it his own" were embarrassing. He gave it his own flair (78 points of it, by my count), but it was still a ripoff. His choice of Aerosmith's "Cryin' (phase one in the Cryin'/Amazing/Crazy self-ripoff trilogy)" was a classic case of becausehecanitis. Why did he drench an already syrupy song in rich Southern fried vocal gravy? Because he can. And it sucked. Let me put it this way: if a gymnast can stick his head up his own keister, does he deserve a gold medal if he does it on the pommel horse? Yeah, it's a talent, but nobody wants to see that. I needed to listen to some Patty Griffin afterward to cleanse my ears.

I'm gonna try predicting this dude's exit just one more time . . .


  1. Oh my goodness I think I need to wash out my eyes after reading this!! I agree with you on Kara. Definitely on Adam. But I think too many people like him. I think Kris was my face last night (1st song he sang) and that's all I personally liked!


  2. UM totally meant Kris was my FAVE last night. Ugh.

    And in the end I am picking him to be voted out tonight anyway.


  3. I have often thought a High school drop out (Simon), A former LA Cheer Leader (Paula), And an other wise nobody (Kara) Have no buisness judging singing Talent. Kara told lambert that he is a "Rock God" after his perfomance of Led Zepplin's "Whole Lotta Love" but failed to recognize that "Rock Gods" are built over time after becoming imortalized thruogh music of there own. (Seriously, were Lynard Skynard being called "Rock Gods" when they were still doing Hank Williams covers in the garage in Jacksonville? No, it wasn't untill the album covers were being propped up in the back windows of Camros.) Then the next performance was Danny doing "Dream On", Aerosmith's 30 year old breakaway rock anthem. After which Kara told him that she wanted him to do a more "Old school" Aerosmith song like "Cryin" (a song also butchered by Lambert)released in 1993. The last time I checked, 15 years is younger than 30. Therefore, Less "Old School".

    It is my opinion that, for what ever reason, the judges are trying to push Adam through to the finals. Maybe he has embarrassing pictures of them at the A.I. Christmas party.

  4. I didn't like any of the songs last night. I am getting bored with the whole show. I found myself clicking over to watch the Biggest Loser at times. What is with Simon's Hanes T's? I still think Adam will win it and Kris will go home. I don't like Adam's squeals and the way he forms his tongue when he belts out the squeals, but I still think he's a better performer and would go see him in concert if I were given a ticket. I guess it is the Elvis thing. He is a pretty boy!

  5. OMG, I'm cracking up! I missed the show and I'm SO bummed. Thanks for the lively recap. :-)

  6. Your recap was hilarious as usual and spot on with the contestants as well as the judges. I totally agree about Kara especially. She is SO annoying. They don't need 4 judges and I wouldn't even mind if they got rid of Paula too. I would like it better if they had Simon and Randy and then maybe a guest judge every week with those two.

    I noticed too that Adam does a kind of "Kiss" thing with his tongue when he sings. What's that all about?


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